”“Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early...”“I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.” (from an Australian claim form)“The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.”“I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”“I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?A: Travelled by bus?The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were -Q: What warning was given by you?A: Horn.Q: What warning was given by the other party?A: Moo.“I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This. "Wound..." he managed to stutter. "Not healing, forgot about ... the ring."How was he wounded? Did they fight the strange lady? How had a woman living alone in the woods managed to injure a five-hundred-year-old swordsman?"What do I need to do, Jon?" I whispered.Jon wheezed for a brief moment. He did so quietly, biting his lip the entire time. We both intuitively knew that we shouldn't wake Daniel."You're going to have to cut my finger off, Maria," he said, once the episode had passed. "In my boot there is a knife ... should be sharp enough for the job."With his other foot aiding him, Jon kicked off his right boot and then lay still upon the ground. "Hurry."Deep breaths, Maria, I thought to myself. Do what must be done.But deep breaths didn't come, no matter how hard my lungs called to them. All I managed were shallow gasps and frantic fingers. The knife slid out of the boot easily into my trembling hand.I removed it from the sheath.A wicked edge caught the dawn's light ... a blade.
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